Do you ever listen to Car Talk? Next month Tom and Ray Magliozzi will stop creating new episodes of their radio show Car Talk. For 25 years they have answered listeners questions about their cars and laughed at their own jokes. Their website includes a section, “Features We'd Really Like to See in All Cars. “ One suggestion is an “I’m sorry button.”
They write: Is there anything that we need more on the roads today than a "Sorry!" button? We often do bad or dumb things when we drive, and we have no way to communicate remorse. It might just lead to a little more civility. As it stands now, when you tick off another driver, he or she has little choice but to remind you that you're a moron. Then you have to retaliate with a clever retort like, "Oh, yeah? Well, you're a moron, too!" Say you're sorry, though, and you break the cycle. A "Sorry!" button could defuse a lot of otherwise explosive situations not to mention, it would generate a good deal of karma.
While we're at it, we'd like to have two buttons, "Sorry!" and "You jerk!" Except when you press the "Jerk" button ... your car still says, "I'm sorry!"
Tom and Ray’s suggestion should not be limited to ours cars. We need other ways to say I am sorry. How about a “I am sorry” ap for our phones. Then I could ask you to take out your phones, turn them on nd press the button at the same time. In truth saying “I am sorry” is more complicated than pressing a button.
We face many challenges in sincerely saying, I am sorry. First we have to recognize that we have done something wrong. Often we would rather rely on rationalization to justify our action rather
than facing the truth of our error. The second step is to accept the fact that our deed harmed somebody else. Too often we delude ourselves by claiming, “No harm no foul.” Finally we have to summon the strength to turn to the person we have harmed and sincerely say the words and make amends.
On occasion it takes some time to complete this three step process. We get hung up on one of the steps and it takes a while to conclude the process.
Let me tell you a story. 35 years ago as I was completing my rabbinic studies at the Hebrew Union College in Cincinnati, my classmates and I entered the world of placement. After spending five years as rabbinic students at HUC, after four years of college, we were finally entering the adult world of work. We were more than a bit anxious about the placement process. Here is how it worked. The senior rabbis came to Cincinnati to interview us over a period of two weeks. Then they went on to New York to interview the students graduating from the New York branch of HUC. As the process began we had no idea where we would end up.
We all wanted the right job. We all wanted to work with the right senior rabbi. While the senior rabbis were trying to learn more about us, we were busying trying to learn more about them. They were in contact with their friends on the faculty to get the scoop on the students. We were talking with our professors to get the real truth about the Senior Rabbis. It was my impression that the faculty enjoyed being in the middle.
One of our most respected professors was talking up a particular senior rabbi. This Senior Rabbi, from a large eastern city was younger than most of the other senior rabbis. Our teacher told us he would be great to work with. We all signed up to interview with him. He arrived in Cincinnati on the very first day of the two week interview process. Over two days he met with 20 of us. At the end on the second day he called me. He asked, Could he come over to our apartment that evening to talk some more with me?
I was chosen. I felt I had won the lottery. He came over that evening. We had a long conversation about the congregation and me. I thought I had the job.
The next week he went to HUC in New York. He hired one of the New York students. I would have understood his decision if he would have chosen one of my talented, exciting classmates. But the classmate he chose was not a very exciting guy. I did not understand why he did what he did. But I never understood why he had chosen this particular rabbi over me.
The next week, Rabbi Victor Weissberg of Temple Beth El in Chicago came to Cincinnati to interview and I met my future. Things worked out just fine for me. So I was not bitter just confused.
A few years ago, this senior rabbi and I happened to be serving on the national Board of the Reform Rabbis at the same time. During a break in the meeting he took me aside for a private conversation. He wanted to explain to me what had happened all those years ago. He told me that at the time. He was new in his congregation. He did not yet feel secure in his position. He was worried that I might out shine him in the eyes of the members so he hired an assistant who he thought would not be a threat. He told me he was sorry for what he had done.
I was so impressed that after all these years he felt moved to offer me this explanation and this apology. There is no statute of limitations on apologizing. There may be people we harmed in our past to whom we still owe an apology. Just because we no longer see them everyday, does not let us off the hook.
It my case the issue was between two people. Sometimes the situation is more complicated because the misdeed has impacted a larger group of people.
On Rosh Hashanah I spoke about sins of the Jewish people. Here I want to tell you about a sin against the Jewish people. December 17 of this year will be the 150th anniversary of “the most sweeping anti-Jewish regulation in all American history.”
Let me explain. In 1862 General Ulysses Grant led the first successful Union campaign of the Civil War. With a series of victories in Tennessee, he had pushed south into Mississippi.
As the Union army moved south it did not move alone. The large number of camp followers moving in the trail of the Union army troubled Grant. These camp followers were making a profit
by following the Union army. Some were meeting the needs of the soldiers. Others were buying up cotton in the areas the had come under control of the Union as a result of Grants victories. These cotton speculators sought to earn large profits by taking advantage of fluctuations in the price of cotton caused by that war. Some of these speculators were Jewish merchants who had followed Grant south from Kentucky. Grant responded to the presence of the cotton speculators. In anger his anger Grant imagined that all the cotton speculators were Jews and that all Jews were cotton speculators. He issued an order banning all Jews from the large area under his command reaching from Cairo, Illinois south to Mississippi.
On December 17, 1862, Grant issued General Order #11. “The Jews, as a class, violating every regulation of trade established by the Treasury Department are hereby expelled from the department within 24 hours from the receipt of this order.”
The order did not remain in force for long. As soon as word of it reached President Lincoln he countermanded it.
But the damage was done. Grant’s General Order # 11 impacted the Jews of America in two ways, directly and indirectly. The Order was only enforced for two weeks and only in limited areas and some Jews had to briefly leave their homes. But the impact was on the larger American Jewish community was deeper and longer lasting. American Jews felt their identity as Americans attacked by this order.
Professor Jonathan Sarna of Brandies University tells the story of this order and its aftermath in his excellent recent book, “When General Grant Expelled the Jews.”
When General Grant ran for President in 1868, the Jews of America were divided. Some saw Grant as the Civil War hero who defeated Robert E. Lee. Others saw Grant as the author of General Order # 11.
While I would enjoy sharing with you a careful analysis of how the Jewish community debated the election of 1868, I will save that for another time. The important aspect of the story for us today is, how did Grant treat the Jews after he was elected president?
Professor Sarna argues that President Grant spent his eight years in office making amends for that General Order # 11. Sarna writes, “Eager to prove that he was above prejudice, Grant appointed more Jews to Public office than any of his predecessors, and in the name of human rights, he extended unprecedented support to persecuted Jews in Russia and Romania.” He appointed a Jew to be the American Counsel-General to Romania Grant was the first American President to attend the dedication of a synagogue. He even stayed for the entire three hour service at Adas Israel.
President Grant could not undo the damage done by General Grant but he sought to make amends by appointing Jews to public office.
Grant advanced the proposition that Jews should be seen as full Americans. An idea not yet fully embraced in the 19th century.
When we cannot undo the harm we have done. We can make amends by following President Grant’s example and perform positive acts for the individuals or groups we have harmed.
The Senior Rabbi and President Grant looked at the damage they had done and accepted responsibility.
We are about to begin Yom Kippur, our time to honestly look at what we have done, what damage we have caused. We may have injured one person or we may have injured many people. We may have recognized right away the damage we have done. Or it may have taken us a while to accept responsibility for the harm we have caused.
On Yom Kippur we each need to find the way to say I’m sorry
to those we have harmed. There is no button to push. We have to do it the hard way.
In a few minutes we will hear the Kol Nidre melody calling us to begin the process of Teshuva, repentance. Teshuva is a three step process. First, we have to recognize that we have done something wrong. The second step is to accept the fact that our deed harmed somebody else. Finally, we have to summon the strength to turn to that person we have harmed and say the words and make amends.
Now is the time to begin. Now is time to look inward and honestly examine our deeds.
